Water For Elephants - Why Am I Watching This Weekend

Welcome to the first instalment of "Why Am I Watching This, Weekend". In Case you've forgotten what this feature entails allow me to refresh your memory. My common law lady will choose a movie for me every weekend to watch,comment on and review. The catch? They are movies chosen solely based on how likely I am to despise them. Without further Adieu..

Water For Elephants...






Play by play observations:


-Old Man hittin on emo kid in first 5 minutes. Its like a truck stop in Oregon. I think its at a truck stop actually.

-Twilight boy is the star. Shovelling horse poop. Someone should have told him back then not to quit his day job.

-This movie may be based on the Hartford tent fire. Fellow FPT students will be very familiar with this.

-1930's circuses had strippers and boobie tassel's. Truly Kings among men.

-The stripper circus turns into a literal hooker train at night.

-The entire circus will now be referred to as "The Stripper Circus"

- "The Jew Hunter" from Inglorious Basterds is the stripper circus boss. "That's a bingo!"

-Mercy killin' horses. Delicious horse stew for the army.

-Twilight is dressed as a transvestite. Shoulda seen it coming.

-Elephant speaks polish. Shoulda stayed in Poland, she could have quelled the Blitzkrieg.

-Effin lions and tigers and bears everywhere and they're just strolling out the place, not a care in the world.

-The movie is not about the Hartford tent fire.

Review:

Water For Elephants is a classic story of orphan joins circus, orphan seduces married woman, husband of said married woman tries to kill as many people in the circus as possible, elephant kills husband, starring Twilight or "Robert Pattionson" if you're a tween or a lonely lonely woman, and Reese Witherspoon. Also "The Jew Hunter" is in it. Truly a tale as old as time itself. I'm preeeeeety sure it was a love story. Although I don't know many love stories that involve a circus that didn't include bestiality. Hell, they had it in Clerks 2 and they worked at a fast food joint. Were talkin transients in the 30's gettin drunk off moon shine being left alone with animals all night. Ah well.. maybe there were undertones of it I missed.

 Reese Witherspoon is dressed like a two doll whore; or a two dime whore if we're going for time line accuracy, the entire movie. Twilight is obviously attracted to her manly/horse like features. Damn, I guess that could have been the undertone I was missing. Sometimes when the horses were in the shot I thought it was just Resse galloping around but then realised that horses don't have teeth that big.

Reese Witherspoon with her stunt doubles

Twilight was.. I dunno.. acting I guess. I think the whole movie could have played out just about the same even if he wasn't apart of it. He got smacked around a lot which was fun to watch. Pretty much had the same expression on his face the entire movie..

Confused, Jacob

Erotic, Jacob

Angry Jacob

Content, Jacob

All in all I watched half and listened to the other half while I researched Hitler for an upcoming moustache Monday. After thinking about it, that elephant never once drank water. All I saw drink was pink lemonade an whiskey. What a bullshit title. Just a boring, predictable movie. Not watching it again.